SHANETRON

Gaslight Anthem - Great Expectations

Before I ever moved away, I was asked if I was afraid of becoming a character from Alkaline Trio’s “Mr. Chainsaw”, the one that is sung about in the couplet:

“I heard that recently you are leaving,
‘For good I hope’ I softly tell my ceiling.”

And I said I wasn’t. I didn’t think I was that character.

Until I returned back to the town I used to call my residence, and felt that exact sentiment from my sister. I didn’t see her the entire trip.

I came back mainly to see my ailing mother. I was hoping my sister would take me to see her so that my mother would see a sibling companionship, as my sister have a spotty relationship. I was unable to deliver.

During the trip I was able to see a great deal of friends, which overjoyed me, as none are able to visit me in my new home. There were some I missed, and they asked “When will you be back home?”

I had no choice but to respond by saying, “Ohio is no longer my home. Chicago is as close as it comes at this point.” I felt terrible that it reached this point. While I am appreciative of the couch at Emily & Matthew’s, it’s not home.

So here I am, on a bus, leaving again. Why wouldn’t I? For now, I’m the let down character, the fall guy.

I’m sorry that things won’t be the way they were. This is more apparent now after the loss of my friends.

Danny, you damn near saved my life once, and I can’t thank you enough. You worked so hard, you’ve been fucked over, and you still kept it together. Our hangouts after high school were few and far between, but they were always a treat.

Chelsey, I remember you calling to see me whenever you’d have a problem. I hate that I wasn’t around as much, because I know that what killed you was something you always hated others getting caught into.

With them gone, the Conor-isms have hit harder “Life is how it is, now how it was” and “Now it’s gone and it won’t ever come back, I accept, I won’t cling to what I had in the past.” If it didn’t break my heart to see my mom, this would easily be the final blow.

It’s not home, so why wouldn’t I?